How to give a presentation at work

Giving a speech at work is a breeze. I just gave one this morning about where’s the g-d chocolate milk in the cafeteria!? Turns out it’s next to the regular milk. Excuse me for not being a mind reader!

I’ve tried Toastmasters, I’ve tried learning the material, I’ve tried sleeping with the higher ups to get out of it. Trust me, none of it works. If you want to give a killer presentation that will leave your boss inspired and chanting your name, follow these five steps to success:

1. Wear something sheer. People love sheer clothes at work. Believe me, I know. I wear something sheer every day, and so far no one has noticed that I don’t know what I’m doing. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all a walk in the park. You have to mix it up – you don’t want your coworkers to get bored and go running to HR. Wear a sheer shirt on Monday, sheer skirt on Tuesday. But be prepared: it’s draining work. You don’t know exhaustion until you’ve driven to every Chico’s in a fifty mile radius looking for sheer pants. That was NOT a Chico’s kind of day. But I like to think of it as a challenge, and I thrive on challenge in the workplace. So when it comes time for you to give a presentation and you have no idea what you’re talking about, don’t sweat it. Wear sheer. People will be so distracted they won’t listen to a word, and that’s what good business is all about.

2. Relax – have a brewski. Nothing calms my nerves before a big pres like a tasty cold one. Usually I have more than one, depending on the stress level. I say at least three if you’ve got a lot riding on the speech, like a promotion or a big client. I don’t really know what that means, but people always want the big ones. You don’t want to be stiff up there. Instead, you want to hear people say, “Wow, she’s so calm it almost looks like she’s falling asleep!” Now that’s good public speaking!

5. Use a lot of visuals. Audiences can’t get enough PowerPoint. They eat it up. Throw a few sound effects and animated GIFs on there and you’re golden. Maybe a cat meows every time you change a slide, or a pony runs back and forth across the bottom while you’re talking. People will fall all over themselves with cuteness. I’ve also found that clicking every letter into place on each slide really makes people hang on your every word, if that’s what you’re going for. If not, why not try translating your entire presentation into pictures? Most people don’t read anymore anyway. Pictures really tell your audience, “I care about your needs.”