Rules for Happy Hour

"Happy hour" indicates that every hour leading up to it is filled with sadness and drudgery. That's because it is. The week days are meaningless until you set foot in that bar, and nobody but nobody can take that away from you. Happy hour is a special time to let loose and free yourself from all responsibility, ever. It's a time to drink until you can't feel your face, until you can't find your bar stool, so you just sit on the floor or on that lady's lap who turns out not to be a lady after all, oops, now you've done it. If not for happy hour, what other time would you be able to tell your boss to go to hell and suck it? Or feel up the hot chick from across the hall, oops, sorry bro, I've had seventeen beers, but YOU have a ROCKIN' ASS? The next morning everything is forgiven and forgotten. That's the rule of happy hour – there are no rules. That is, until I had to write this article about rules for happy hour. These are loose, like me, and, like everything else, have exceptions.

1. No puking in front of people you know.
If you have to drink a lot, which is understandable after the mindless crap you've done all day, make sure you have a vomit route mapped out before it's too late. You can't vomit in front of your coworkers, so you'll have to make a run for it. Are you closer to the bathroom or the door? Is there a dark corner where people don't seem to be sitting? Or a large potted plant like at home? Make a plan and stick to it.
Exception: Puking behind the bar is okay as a last resort. It's acceptable (but not encouraged) for coworkers to hear you puke as long as they can't see you.

2. Keep your yap shut.
As much as you want to tell your coworkers to all go screw themselves, just cool it for a minute. If you're really going to do that, you need a better time and place anyway. Like in an auditorium with a microphone, or standing on a table in the cafeteria. Don't let the booze clog that part of your brain that distinguishes between appropriate and inappropriate. For example, inappropriate: "I like your jugs." Appropriate: "This bar is fun."
Exception: It's okay to ask someone what they're going to do with all that ass, all that ass inside those jeans, because you do that at work anyway.

3. Don't be too handsy.
It's okay to accidentally pinch a coworker's butt once or twice in passing, but three times isn't an accident and they'll become suspicious. If you can't control your hands – and, really, who wants to – spread out the touching to multiple people. Pat a butt here, grope a thigh there. It's better for everyone in the group to think it was one accident than for one person to think you have a major problem and should be fired/beat down.
Exception: Of course, if the groping is mutual, it's considered highly moral to ignore this rule.